All you need is love—and boundaries.

Boundaries are like love. They always get the attention of the Universe.

Wait—can’t I just have the love part? I’m a lover, not a fighter—can’t we all just get along and be happy?

The answer, unfortunately, is no.

Unless you want to live a life without dignity, honesty, integrity, personal power, clarity, and focus, you’re going to have to set some personal boundaries.

This can be hard for those of us who are open hearted, sensitive, and natural givers.

We feel the needs of other people and don’t want to let anyone down.

If we weren’t allowed to set boundaries for ourselves growing up, it can be more difficult to set them as adults. Similarly, if we had to be clever and creative to get our needs met, it can be hard to respect other people’s boundaries—we think we can work around their “no,” and find a way in.

Personal boundaries have saved my life, but they haven’t always been easy. 

When my self-worth is taking a hit, I can still go through days where it feels impossible to say no to the outside world.

Some of the stories we tell ourselves that prevent us from setting boundaries are:

It’s rude to set boundaries.
It’s mean.
People won’t like me if I say no.
A good (insert role-driven expectation here) would say yes. (a good mother, friend, sister, aunt, teacher etc.)
Who do I think I am to turn down such a great opportunity?
What will people think?
What if I miss out on something by opting out? (FOMO=fear of missing out)

We can get stuck in these fear-based thought patterns, or we can set loving boundaries, and begin something new.

In order to say yes to something, we must say no to something else.

What do you think of all this? In the comments below, I’d love to hear how this is working in your life.

To your freedom,

Love, Tamika

Comments

Donna Hammond says

If it weren't for boundaries we would say the wrong thing all the time .. or at least I would. I have to be more conscious of the other person's feelings and not just blurt out My feelings. As per usual you are RIGHT
Tamika. Looking forward to seeing you at Xmas!!

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Tamika says

Donna, boundaries in speech are so important! Thank you for sharing yourself so sweetly. I love you so much, and am always grateful you stay in touch and follow the work! XOXO

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Carolyn Jyoti says

I really needed to be reminded of this message today! My recent parenting strategy is to stop talking about what's appropriate or not appropriate and to just physically create a boundary by walking away when needed. This is my way of saying - that's enough! So far it's working but truly this boundary work is lifelong work for me not just as a mom but as a human being! THANK you for sharing your message with the world - it feels so relevant and needed right now. xo

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Tamika says

Carolyn, I love this. Thank you for teaching us about setting a PHYSICAL boundary—you do this with such loving intention. You've brought up something so important. For me too, sometimes it's necessary to stop explaining how I've been hurt (hoping I can change the other person) and just walk away. Every situation is different but sometimes we need to do this out of love for ourselves and for the other person. So much gratitude to you for sharing! XOXO

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Kaitlin says

This is so spot on Tamika! Boundaries and saying no and protecting myself are things I've really been working on the past couple of years. It's hard but, but you're right, you need to preserve your energy so you can focus on your life and the direction you want it to take. You really covered all areas of this topic!!
Also you look way too adorable inyoir glasses! xoxo

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Tamika says

I'm so glad this was helpful, Kaitlin. I love and miss your energy so much! XOXO

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Brenda says

Thank you for this! This certainly has been & continues to be some of my greatest work! As a people pleaser - I'm learning to flex my 'no' muscle !
Love & light (& boundaries)
Brenda

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Tamika says

It still challenges me so much too, Brenda. Love, light and boundaries to you too! (Look out, Beatles! :-)

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Wendy Varana says

I love the part about the Universe setting boundaries - I've never thought about it that way before - what a beautiful "ahha" moment ! I am getting much better with following my own boundary settings -- When I was learning, and in some very difficult manipulative situations I had to write down my boundaries and carry the paper with me. It was one of the best learning tools ever !! What a beautiful thing to find out I was also learning to respect self, I could say NO and still be loved by others - most times even more and love me too !! Thank you Tamika for sharing this -- You inspire me everyday. Love you so much xoxo <3

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Tamika says

Varana, that practice of writing down boundaries on paper sounds so powerful for any of us that lean toward people-pleasing. Could you guide us in that practice? Were there any suggestions that we could all benefit from? XOXO

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Jill says

Amazing !!!! Couldn't have come at a better time for me. The universe provided me with this today. Thank you Tamika
I am struggling with setting boundaries. As I have in the past. This has given me such support in decisions and boundaries I have set in last few days as well as some pushing boundaries on my part.
Why is it so difficult for me/ and others. How can being true to ourselves be such a struggle. For me it comes from years of not having freedom to be true to myself and from always putting everyone else's needs before mine. And definitely the " if you were a good mother " you would give /do that for me.
I know , now that I am better at setting boundaries that my children, my relationships, and my well being are all healthier and happier.
Thank you again for your insight and the karma in this is a true gift for me today !!!

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Tamika says

Jill, I know your words will resonate with so many people. It's an exciting time to be alive but also very difficult because there's so much old stuff to let go of. We are creating a brave new world together! Love and big hugs to you. xx

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Alysa says

I love all your posts Tamika. My boundary is that I have no boundaries when it comes to your posts! I'm letting them all in!
But seriously, I always feel like I will be missing out if I say no and I have to realize that is not true.
Hope you are loving your BC lifestyle.

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Tamika says

Alysa, I'm honored the work resonates for you! I get that FOMO factor too—it's a big one. Thanks for your wishes and I'm grateful for the ways our paths cross! Tamika XO

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Alison says

Love this video, Tamika. I especially liked the turn-around at the end when you recognize that sometimes we are the one pushing the boundaries. I work with this idea all the time and still find myself in the grey area of not really knowing what my boundary is. But I would love to hear some examples of the polite and kind ways of saying "no, I don't feel comfortable doing that right now..." And also how to feel okay with your own boundaries even as they make others uncomfortable. Keep sharing all of your great ideas! I miss you.

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Tamika says

I'm so glad this worked for you, Alison. Boundaries are tricky! I think the grey-area is good to acknowledge. I like the idea of drawing a line in the sand (instead of concrete) and approaching each situation uniquely, depending on the relationship. For example, I'm willing to scrap my boundary when a friend reaches out earnestly, in need of help. For those who push and push, I ask my heart if it's right for me to relax my boundary now. Every situation and relationship is so unique, so a little grey is good.

In terms of politeness, sharing feelings helps immensely. Instead of "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that right now," being more vulnerable helps people understand it's not about them. "I'm feeling overwhelmed/stressed/too busy/needing downtime/maxed out/partied out/ etc. and what would be really healing for me would be to sit this one out." People do seem to adapt, but sometimes there is push-back no matter how well we speak.

I'm highly sensitive and it's difficult for me to manage all the energies and thoughts at big events—unless we have a common purpose. I used to get invited to a lot of casual parties and they would drain me, even when I loved the people involved. After awhile I told my friends that I'd love to get together in smaller groups but that I couldn't do the big party scene anymore. I'm so grateful they understood and didn't take it personally, but it took time for me to be honest with them—and more importantly to accept this part of myself—which I now see as a gift.

I hope these examples are helpful and I miss you too! XOXO

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Tracy Rau says

Thank you! Story of my life!!
Your message came at a perfect time. Upon returning from my annual medical mission abroad I have been sick all week. Sick like I haven't been in years. I believe, after listening to you, mostly from not setting my own boundaries. Always saying yes to everyone and everything, pre trip and during. Never wanting to miss out on a single thing.
I need to make a lot of changes in my life and setting boundaries according to priority and necessity is definitely one.
Thanks again, miss you. Take care. Tracy

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Tamika says

I can totally relate Tracy. Those of us in the helping profession have to be extra boundaried so we don't burn out—we want to help everyone—it's what we do best! I'm so glad this was spot-on for you. I hope you're feeling better and I admire your work in the world so much. You're amazing. Love you!!! XOXO

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Katie says

This was a perfect reminder today. I haven't been honest with myself to set safe boundries to ensure my needs are met, but also reflecting on ways I may have been pushing the boundries of those closest to me. Beautifully said Tamika, thank you.

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Tamika says

Your honesty is so courageous, Gayatri. Thank you for your light, love, and studentship of life. XOXO

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